Happy Harry Hardon - ... I like that. Talk Hard. I like the idea that a voice can just go somewhere uninvited and just kind of hang out like a dirty thought in a nice clean mind. To me a thought is like a virus. You know, it can just kill all the healthy thoughts and just take over. That would be serious.Nora - That would be totally serious.
Happy Harry Hardon - ... She's probably a lot like me, a legend in her own mind. But you know what, I bet in real life she's probably not that wild. I bet she's kind of shy like so many of us who briskly walk the halls, pretending to be late for some class, pretending to be distracted. Hey poetry lady, are you really this cool? Are you out there? Are you listening?
Nora - I'm always out here.
Happy Harry Hardon - I feel like I know you, and yet we'll never meet. Ah so be it...
Happy Harry Hardon - I don't know drugs are out, sex is out, politics are out, everything is on hold. I mean we definitely need something new. We just keep waiting for some new voice to come out of somewhere and say "Hey wait a minute, what is wrong with this picture."
Happy Harry Hardon - "Dear Happy Harry Hardon do you think I should kill myself" Great! Signed "I'm Serious" And of course there is a number here. <Calls the number> Hello serious?
Malcolm - Yeah
Happy Harry Hardon - Are you okay?
Malcolm - Yep
Happy Harry Hardon - I guess what I'm asking is how serious are you... well how are you going to do it?
Malcolm - I'm gonna blow my fucking head off.
Happy Harry Hardon - Oh! Well do you have a gun.
Malcolm - No I'm going to use my finger, genius.
Happy Harry Hardon - Alright. So where is this gonna take place hey?
Malcolm - Right here.
Happy Harry Hardon - Where is this alleged gun? Do you have it with you? Did you at least write a note? You have a reason don't you? You're not going to be one of those people who kills themselves and nobody has any idea of why they did it? Hey that's why we need a note pal!
Malcolm - I'm all alone.
Happy Harry Hardon - No, hey, maybe it's okay to be alone sometimes, everybody's alone.
Malcolm - You're not.
Happy Harry Hardon - I didn't talk to one person today, not... not counting teachers. I sit alone everyday you know, sitting on the stairwell eating my lunch, reading a book. What about you? <Malcolm hangs up> I hate that, now I'm depressed. Now I feel like killing myself, but I'm too depressed to bother. <Tries to re-dial Malcolm, but it's engaged> Great! He's got the phone of the hook. Rejected again, that's okay I'm use to it, terminal loneliness... People always think they know who a person is but they're always wrong. Most parents have no idea.
Happy Harry Hardon - You see I never planned it like this. My dumb Dad got me this short wave radio set so I could just speak to my friends back east, but I couldn't reach anybody, I thought I was talking to nobody. I imagined that nobody listening. Maybe I imagined one person out there... anyway one day I woke up and I realised I was never going to be normal and so I said fuck it, I said so be it and Happy Harry Hardon was born. I never meant to hurt anyone, honestly I never meant to hurt anyone. I'm sorry Malcolm. I never said "Don't do it" I'm sorry... You hear about some kid who did something stupid, something desperate. What possessed him? How could he do such a terrible thing? It's really quite simple actually. Consider the life of a teenager. You have parents, teachers telling you what to do. You have movies, magazines, and TV telling you what to do. But you know what you have to do. Your job, your purpose, is to get accepted, get a cute girlfriend, and think up something great to do with the rest of your life. What if you're confused and can't imagine a career? What if you're funny looking and you can't get a girlfriend? You see no one wants to hear it, but the terrible secret is that being young is sometimes less fun than being dead ... Suicide is wrong, but the interesting thing about it is how uncomplicated it seems. There you are, you got all these problems swarming around your brain, and here is one simple, one incredibly simple solution. I'm just surprised it doesn't happen every day around here. No, now they're going to say I said offing yourself is simple, but no, no, no, no, it's not simple. It's like everything else you have to read the fine print. For instance, assuming there is a heaven who would ever wanna go there, you know. I mean think about it, sitting on this cloud, you know it's nice, it's quiet, there's no teachers, there's no parents, but guess what? There's nothing to do. Fucking boring. Another thing to remember about suicide is that it is not a pretty picture. First of all, you shit your shorts you know. So there you are dead, people are weeping over you, crying, girls you never spoke to are saying, "Why? Why? Why?" and you have a load in your shorts. That's the way I see it. Sue me. Now, they're saying I shouldn't think stuff like this. They're saying something is wrong with me, that I should be ashamed. Well, I'm sick of being ashamed. Aren't you? ... I don't mind being dejected and rejected, but I'm not going to be ashamed about it. ... At least pain is real. You look around and you see nothing is real, but the pain is real. You know, even this show isn't real. This isn't me; I'm using a voice disguiser. I'm a phoney fuck just like my Dad, just like anybody. You see, the real me is just as worried as the rest of you. They say I'm disturbed, well of course I'm disturbed. I mean we're all disturbed, and if we're not, why not? Doesn't this blend of blindness and blandness want to make you do something crazy? Then why not do something crazy? It makes a hell of a lot of sense than blowing you fucking brains out you know. Go nuts, go crazy, get creative! You got problems? You just chuck'em, nuke'em! They think you're moody? Make'em think you're crazy, make'em think you might snap! They think you got attitude? You show'em some real attitude! Come on, go nuts, get crazy. Hey no more Mr. Nice Guy. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, oh god!! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, oh yes.